Christina.Vietnamese | Chinese | Japanese | Filipino."Life is a piece of art. You can either stare at what is already painted or take it upon your own canvas. Make it better, make it greater, make it you."
Honestly, I am so distraught right now, and I only have myself to blame for this feeling. My biggest fear is that I let something go that may have been the greatest thing in my life thus far, or even for the rest of my life, but I have to live with the what ifs now.
It’s not my fault shit is popping up last minute. I really don’t think it is. I’m doing the best that I can. I really am. Abraham doesn’t see that. All he sees is me killing myself over this production. I‘d rather drive myself crazy over this production than drive myself crazy on the people who make it worse and worse every second. Sometimes, I feel like he really doesn’t see that this is the type of stuff I want to do for the rest of my life. Spreading culture, spreading awareness, making a positive impact on young adults. He doesn’t see the late hours I put in, the sleepless nights. All he sees is this apparent zombie I have grown into. Maybe it is true, I have put my relationship on the back burner, but dude, we’ re young, still in school, our lives aren’t even close to being established, it feels like I’m leaving you behind more and more every step that I try to take, and to be honest, I hate this feeling. I don’t want to be the one to put myself on hold just for you to catch up, at least not right now.
I felt the sting in that one. I’m competing in a competition that I didn’t even know existed, nor did I know I was a competitor. My natural mentality has paid its price, and for what? Will I cry? Yes. Have I cried? Yes. I know the thoughts of this will continue to eat me alive until I have nothing left to feed it’s hunger.
Because that’s literally her name in my phone, and I don’t think that will ever change. I haven’t written on here in awhile, but I thought it would only be fitting to write about this person in this type of media.
Anyways, I had a conversation with her the other night, and it grew deep, more than I could have even anticipated when I first dialed her number.
If there is anyone who knows and assess any situation I’m in at any given time, in a way that only I can understand, it’s her.
We spoke of our younger selves, yet here we are, merely turning 23 years old this year. Speaking as if our 21 year old selves were so distant from us. But it was true, if, and only if, we could go back in time, I would’ve told my 21 year old self to stop. I would tell her, “you don’t need to do this.” We were just some 20/21/22 year olds thinking we could take on the world. Double boarding like idiots. And to be completely honest it was true, I was so torn, why the fuck did I think it was okay to be admin director and Vice President and external in term. Only to be followed with presidency and vice chairperson the next term. You know why, only an idiot would accept that fate, I happen to be that idiot. But as they always say, it’s in the past, and I can’t turn back time and change my decisions.
Do I regret it? Yes and no.
Yes because in all honesty it was too much, but somehow I was able to convince myself to not even mention the hardships I had with myself. The only issues I would ever bring up is if it dealt with others surrounding me and if they stood as an obstacle in my path.
No because I know how strong I can be. I know what wisdom to pass on. I know some of the best people of my life.
Anyways, at the end of the day, I’m always going to look up to Kristine. Even if it bothers her haha. We’ve gone through so much together, we understand so much of each other, and it really is comforting to know that their is someone I can really relate to in this crazy ass life. She’s exposed me to so much of this world, I’ve really become more understanding of myself because of her.
If you ever read this, I do genuinely mean it when I say, I fucking thank you for so much.
Happy 1st day of Pilipinx-American Hxstory Month y’all! 🇵🇭🇵🇭🇵🇭
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Why the “x”?
The first is a form of resistance to patriarchal society and to shed light on the social injustices Pilipinxs have and currently face. Take a moment, to think about how hxstory was taught in high school that tend to leave out the contributions of Pilipinxs and those who do not minority identify from the telling of “history.”
The second reason is to redefine the way “history” was told in educational spaces. We know that “history” has always been retold by those who won, the details, and representations have been skewed in the retelling. The “x” is meant to be an inclusive and progressive term that stands for the many different identities, struggles, and intersectionalities. We hold the “x” as a way to acknowledge our untold hxstories and collectively push forward to reclaim the lost.
#PAHM #pilipinx #hxstory #PAHM2017 #FAHM #FAHM2017 (at Unidad Park)
Everybody two-step in the motherfucker 🎵#Khalid #LetsGo
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We did the impossible, but we made it in time for @thegr8khalid. Shoutout to @_meli_lo for this great opportunity 🙏🏼
Now I cry as I have to wake up for my 9 AM tomorrow (at Santa Barbara Bowl)
